


stay alive

by shiftingslightly



Series: mini baby ficlets [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Canon Era, Drabble, M/M, Revolutionary War, Right?, Short, well it's 773 words make what you will of that, what even is a drabble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:47:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29122887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiftingslightly/pseuds/shiftingslightly
Summary: The voice in his head tells him no, stop. It tells him this can only end badly. It tells himyou're going to fall and the landing won't be pretty.Alexander leaps.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/George Washington
Series: mini baby ficlets [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2136942
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	stay alive

It’s late, and Alexander is tired, barely keeping himself alert enough to continue working. The dim candlelight washes over Washington’s face as he watches Alexander, too low on energy to try and disguise the way he looked at him. Alexander could feel the weight of his gaze, practically feel the way Washington was burning for it. 

And what was “it”, exactly? Alexander couldn’t exactly define it, but he wanted it too. It wasn’t so much a feeling or an action as it was a blur of imagined futures flashing before his eyes every time his general looked at him, touched him, smiled that smile of his at him. A collage of _mine_ s whispered in his ear, of _I love you_ s, of nights spent pinned under him, of soft lips against his. He wasn’t supposed to want _it,_ especially not with a man and especially not with the commander of the entire goddamn revolutionary army, and yet somehow he does, despite everything. His heart’s always been the least rational part of him.

The chair creaks as Washington stands up, heavy footfalls on the wood floor indicating his general walking towards Alexander in his own chair, only several feet away. He feels a hand on his shoulder and looks up. “Sir?” he asks. Washington’s eyes gleam in the flickering light, filled with an emotion he cannot possibly name. Alexander stands up slowly as if mesmerized, half-unaware of what his body is doing, his own dark brown eyes fixed on Washington’s face. 

And then Washington leans forward and kisses him. 

Alexander can’t breathe in all the best ways. It’s soft, gentle, passionate in its own way. It’s everything he’d ever felt every time Washington was near him, all the want, the affection, the warmth he feels, the slight bitter taint of guilt. Yes, he thinks. _Yes._ It hits him suddenly- this is _it._

Washington goes to pull away, and Alexander can practically see the next steps unfolding in front of him. He’ll apologize, brush Alexander off, send him away, never speak of it again. And for the rest of this war, for the rest of his life, he’ll live in agony knowing he wants him but refuses to have him. It’s for the best, really; there’s no way they can hide this and no way it can plausibly, actually happen. There’s no future in store of the sort they want for two men, especially with their rank and age disparity. Washington is _married_ , for god’s sake.

All this is rattling around in his head, forming one, coherent voice, one way forward. One path to take in order to survive.

For all his life, there’s been a voice at the back of his head that’s kept him going, kept him hanging on, given him a fighting chance at his aspirations. It’s never failed him. It’s helped him stay alive when his mother couldn’t, seen him safely through the fiercest of hurricanes, kept him together when his cousin committed, is at the forefront of his mind when he’s fighting. It’s gotten him this far, and he knows it’ll serve him as he ascends in society. It’s his deepest survival instinct, and it’s never failed him, ever, and right now it’s telling him _stop._ It’s screaming at him to _let it go,_ forget about it, get over Washington and never think about him like that again, push _it_ aside, push Washington away and never talk about it again. _This is the only path,_ it says. It shows him clearly what will happen if he acts on impulse, the future that lies beyond that path. If they do this, they _will_ get caught eventually. Alexander, and by extension his career and ambitions and entire life, will be ruined, if not killed, and for what? All he gets if he takes that path is the emotions that are propelling him forward now, that are keeping him rooted to the spot. 

_This is the only way to stay alive,_ it says. _Think rationally_ , it says, just as it’s done countless times before, faithfully protecting him.

For the first time in his life, he ignores it.

He pulls Washington closer, kissing him again, fierce, demanding, all fire and unadulterated passion. He’s faintly aware of Washington’s arms around him, pulling him to his chest and kissing him harder. Alexander moans into it, wrapping his arms around Washington’s neck and standing on tip-toes to kiss him better. It's absolute bliss, and he knows there's no going back. He wants- no, _needs_ \- more, and nothing's going to stop him.

They pull apart. Alexander leans against Washington, panting. “I’m sorry,” Washington says eventually, guilt evident in his voice. Alexander knows he shouldn’t have, knows he’s being selfish. Washington has a wife and an entire military to manage at present, a splendid career and position as the nation's president in his future. He can’t afford to take risks, can’t afford to fall, and that’s exactly what Alexander is goading him towards. 

Alexander just pulls him closer, kisses him again. “Don’t be.”

**Author's Note:**

> so! this was short. very, very short. I'm getting more comfortable with posting shorter fics, so I've created a whole series for them just in case I end up posting more. I'm really proud of this one, honestly. I was singing Alexander Hamilton when the whole "voice in his head" thing came to mind, and the whole scenario just kinda sprung up around it. When in doubt, go to the source material! 
> 
> Anyways comments are very very very much appreciated, I do hope you enjoyed this- *checks word count* 773-word fic.
> 
> (please excuse the series name, I couldn't help myself.)


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